[Virginity Tag]

[Cleaning out my dorm, I found this thing.  I wrote it last semester during a period of extreme bitterness, and last night I got a pretty good laugh from reading it.  Thought I'd share, anyway.]

Let's play a game called virginity tag.  The way it works is that when someone takes your virginity, you have to go and take someone else's.  And the more virginities you hold, the higher your score!  Each virginity is worth 6 points.  Additional points can be earned by wrapping yourself boa-constrictor-style completely around another person, and remaining in that position for 60 seconds.  This yields you two points.  Also, smashing another person's childhood memorabilia earns you three points.  Sounds fun, right?

I know that some of you probably have some pretty high scores already, but unfortunately, all the scores will be reset for the start of this game.  Everyone will be at 0, unless, by chance, you're already taking a virginity from someone when the game starts.  This may, however, create an error of sorts, somewhat of a complication, and it may be difficult for the system to determine whether your act was in committal to the rules of the game, or if you were acting on your own as a free agent.  The degree of committal is very, very important.

So, in preparation for this game, we've rigged up what are kind of like slot machines, placed above the piss-seat toilets of public convenience stores.  They've already been instituted for several years, but using love, we made them official and legitimate.  You will purchase the tools you need from these easily accessible slot machines.  Take some time, while you're there, to check out the in-game forums you can find on the walls.  You may encounter a message like "Wanna fuck?  897-BIFF" or "I'm so lonely, for God's sake somebody love me, I'll pay for everything, I just need to get laid, please for the love of God."  These are strategic game-players using pathetic sentiments to elicit serious empathy, and brute sexual force as well to keep the message crisp; Biff somehow managed to get a number with his name in the last four digits -- that's being proactive.

Be careful not to fall for these tricks, as for each virginity you lose, you also lose the 6 points that came with it.  I know some of you won't be able to resist, however, so we've designed, for the purposes of the game, a special type of immovable cork.  It disintegrates into calcium, however, after 75 minutes of use, and each player will only receive three.  So, scan your surroundings, identify any possible virginity-snatchers, and apply a cork (or two) if necessary.

This is designed to be a bonding experience.  It's my hope that you will all really get to know each other better.